Ernie Macmillian’s Date With His Headmaster's Mum
by The Utensils
Summary: Ernie goes into a pensive and is quite surpried at everything that happens there! Ernie/Kendra


**Ernie "Pudgy Hands" Macmillian's Date With His Headmaster's Mother**

"What should we do with him, Ernie?" asked Justin Finch-Fletchley, looking nervous.

"Let's put him in there," said Ernie. "That'll take care of him."

"Do you really think so Ernie? Do you really think that's a good idea? He always seems so nice!" said Hannah Abbot.

"Nobody, and I mean, nobody messes up a Hufflepuff Threesome and gets away with it," said Ernie, as he stuffed Colin Creevey's tiny in unconsciousness body into the popcorn machine.

As Ernie opened the popcorn machine door, something caught Justin's eye. "Ernie, what's that?" he asked.

"It looks like a pensieve!" said Hannah. "I wonder who it belongs to!"

"Don't be stupid, Hannah!" said Ernie. "It's obvious who it belongs to! It belongs to the Heir of Slytherin!"

"Do you really think so Ernie? Oh, I'm so stupid! I'm way too stupid to take my OWLs!!" Hannah cried.  
"Is that a pensieve?!" said Colin, regaining consciousness. "Oooh can you hold it still so I can take a picture of it? Are you going to go in!?! My idol, Harry would!"

"Harry would go in?" asked Ernie suspiciously. "Of course he would- that's because Harry is the Heir of Slytherin. That settles it… I'm going in," said Ernie.

"What are you playing at?" asked Justin.

"Do you think you should? Do you really think so Ernie?" asked Hannah.

"Be careful Ernie!" said Justin. "My Kingsley bawre says that when dealing with pensieves you have to mbmnbmnbm mbmbnbmmbmrm. Remember that, Ernie, it's really, really important."

"Yeah, whatever, Justin," said Ernie. "You know I don't speak African Prince," And he dived head first into the pensieve. Ernie wasn't sure what he expected to see upon entering the pensieve, but it definitely wasn't this. "What the-?" said Ernie

The only other person in the room was a young man donned in a 19th century confederacy outfit, complete with a hat and revolver.

"Who the hell is this freak?" Ernie mumbled aloud.

"Excuse me, but I just so happen to be the most bitchin' man around," said the man.

Ernie was flabbergasted. "You- you can hear me?" As far as he knew, this was not the way pensieves worked.

"Oh course I can hear you, I'm not deaf you know!" said the man. "And did I happen to mention the fact that I'm bitchin'?"

"Ulysses?" said a voice. "Aren't you supposed to be over in the divided states fighting a war?"

Ernie turned around to see who the voice belonged to, and was completely taken aback by what he saw.

"Oh! That's what I'm supposed to be doing?" asked Ulysses, surprised. I completely forgot! Thanks for reminding me." And with that, Ulysses walked out of the door.

Ernie turned to the person who had just walked in. "Professor Lupin?" he said. "It's me, Ernie! You taught me in my third year! Defense Against the Dark Arts!"

"What?" said the woman. "I'm Bathilda Bagshot. What on earth are you rambling about, boy?" Ernie didn't answer. He didn't trust this Professor Lupin look-alike and figured that this had to have something to do with the Heir of Slytherin. But then Bathilda said, "You came out of that pensieve, did you?"

"Yes, but why-" Ernie began.

Bathilda cut him off, "Of course it wouldn't have worked properly for you, just look at your hands!"

"My hands?" Ernie asked, confused.

"Yes, your hands! Didn't anyone ever tell you?" asked Bathilda. "You can't use a pensieve properly when you've got hands that are that big! It won't work properly. You'll get sent into the memory, but instead of being invisible to others, you'll actually become part of the memory, yourself. It's very old magic. Haven't you ever read Hogwarts a History? It's a book I wrote, just finished it a few months ago?"

"Well, how do I get back?" asked Ernie.

"I don't know," said Bathilda. "You'll have to ask my nephew and his bffl. They're very able wizards. Merlin's hat, I've never seen hands that big! You might be stuck here for good!"

"What?" Ernie yelled, panicking. He walked back over to the pensieve only to find that now his hand wouldn't even fit inside. "!" he yelled.

"What on earth are you doing?" said Bathilda. "Are you trying to use brainwashing mind powers on a pensieve? That's stupid. If you'd ever read Hogwarts A History, you'd know that wouldn't work. I explain all about it; you really should read it you know…Meanwhile though; we really should go and talk to my nephew…" They walked a ways until they reached a house. Bathilda stopped and took out her wand to open the door. "Gellert? Are you home?" she called. When she received no answer she said, "Oh, he's probably next door making out with his bffl." So she and Ernie went to the next house instead. Bathilda knocked on the door, and a very sexy Native American looking woman answered. "Oh, hello Kendra," said Bathilda. "Is my nephew around?"

"Oh yes, he's through here…" Kendra answered a she led Bathilda and Ernie through the house, past a boy who was making out with three goats at once, and into a room in which two boys were doing each other's makeup. "There's someone here to see you boys," said Kendra.

"This is Ernie," said Bathilda.

"I'm Gellert," said the boy wearing a blue tutu and bright pink flowered shirt.

"I'm Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore," said the boy with sparkly purple eye shadow.

"Dumbledore! I know you!" said Ernie, extending a pudgy hand for him to shake.

"Merlin's saggy y fronts! Look at that hand!" Gellert exclaimed. "We should kill him, I mean shrink it for the greater good, Albus!" Ernie then jumped into the story of how he had used the pensieve and ended up here.

"That's a nice story," said Dumbledore, once Ernie had finished. "I've never had a Hufflepuff Threesome before."

"Me neither," said Gellert. "We should try it some time."

"What?" said Ernie. "Is that all you're going to say? Aren't you going to help me?"

"Help you?" asked Dumbledore. "No, of course not! I never help people when they need help doing dangerous stuff! Especially if they're little kids… Oh no, you can figure this one out for yourself. Would you care for a lemon drop?"

"What the hell?" said Ernie. "!!"

"Is he really trying to brainwash us?" asked Gellert. "That won't work on us, stupid pudgy boy. We're much cleverer than you."

Ernie looked dumbfounded. This was twice now since he arrived at this strange place that his powers had failed him. The sooner he got out of this place the better. "Expecto Patronum!" said Ernie desperately, hoping that his big scary boar patronus would eat the two infuriating boys.

"After all this time?" asked Dumbledore.

"After all this time- what?" asked Ernie.

"Oh, never mind," said Dumbledore. "I thought you were in love with Babe that pig from the city… Ok, fine, I'll tell you tell you how to get back, but I'll let you have a guess first because it's really obvious."  
"I have to shrink my hand?" asked Ernie

"No! Don't be stupid, that would never work! You can't shrink something that big, it would kill you!"

"Then what will get me back?" asked Ernie.

"Love, obviously!" said Dumbledore.

"Love?" asked Ernie.

"Yes, love!" said Dumbledore. "Didn't you say you knew me? That's my answer to every single problem ever! You should know that, if you know me at all!" Ernie stared. And Dumbledore continued. "So it's very simple. All you have to do is fall in love, and you can go back!"

"What? Can I use a love potion or something?" asked Ernie, figuring he could just brainwash someone with .

"Only if you want to be a big, stupid cheater," said Dumbledore.

"Ok, fine," said Ernie, who had no problems being a big, stupid cheater as long as it got him back to the right decade.

"What are you standing around here for? Don't you falling in love to do!" yelled Dumbledore, who suddenly had his beard tied in a pony tail.

"Ok, fine!" said Ernie. And then he left the room, in search of someone to brainwash.

Before he could take more than a few steps, however, he heard a terrible high-pitched scream. He ran into the kitchen where a terrible scene met his eyes. A giant snake was emerging from Bathilda's neck and heading straight for Kendra, who had backed up against the kitchen counter in fear.  
"!" Ernie yelled at the snake, and it disappeared instantly

.  
"I knew she was the Heir of Slytherin!" Ernie yelled. "Why else would a giant snake come out of her neck!?"

"Thank you," said Kendra. "You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?"

"Well," said Ernie. "Now that you mention it, you could fall in love with me so I can get back inside the pensieve and go back home."

"Ok, no problem," said Kendra. "This place is getting sickening with all this gay, goat stuff going on around here."

So Kendra faked her death like every other character in the series and went back to present day with Ernie, who didn't even have to use his mind powers to find true love. Ernie hadn't used in nineteen years. All was well.

A/N: What a cute ship!


End file.
